Inevitable Live Action Captain Planet Film On The Way

Hollywood continues to cut a swath of destruction through the childhood memories of 20 somethings everywhere. This time, the bastards have decided to turn Captain Planet into a live-action film. For those who don’t remember, Captain Planet was created by Ted Turner in the early 90’s to be an “environmental superhero” in response to the pollution and lack of respect for nature that was so rampant at that time period, or something.

The plot of the television show revolved around….well, just watch the first scene from the first episode, it explains it pretty well:

So basically the spirit of the earth wakes up (she was napping or something, I guess) to find the earth in disarray. She sends down 5 magic rings to 5 “special” young people. The rings give the kids different powers including earth, wind, water, fire, and, ahem, heart. Yup. Heart. Heart is an actual power on this show. The kid who got that one, Ma-Ti, really got the short end of the stick on that one, huh? His buddies powers let them control the environment; his power lets him empathize.

At any rate, the kids could combine the rings to summon Captain Planet, who looked like this:

If memory serves, most of the episodes revolved around the kids finding some bad guy who was up to no good. They would then try to thwart that person’s diabolical plan. They would then run into some kind of trouble and have to summon Captain Planet, who would fly around and save the day. As many superheroes are, Captain Planet was prone to making horrible puns, i.e. (after electrocuting a group of bad guys with lightning) “Shocking, isn’t it!?” or (before tossing a group of bad guys into a pile of garbage) “Time to take out the trash!”

In all honesty, Captain Planet was one of those shows that seemed awesome when you were 6 years old. Let’s face it, though, pretty much everything seems awesome when you’re that young. It’s a show that’s best left to memory. When someone brings it up, all I want to remember is the concept, the fact that one of the kids had the power of “heart,” that time they tried to do an episode about AIDS (!) and the absurdly catchy theme song:

But no, along comes Hollywood with their ridiculous live action updates of mediocre television shows. What the hell are these guys trying to do? Convince an entire generation of children that the stuff they liked as 8 year olds was a pile of crap? And how the hell can you put together a live action Captain Planet movie? Do these people realize how silly that would look? I mean, this is what the villains looked like:

Oh yeah, and Captain Planet himself is kind of a shitty character. His clothing is bizarre, his skin is blue, and he rocks a green mullet. His personality can best be described as grating. And you’ve got the aforementioned propensity for making stupid puns. Also, want to know his one weakness? It’s pollution. You throw a bit of oil or dirt on the guy, and he goes down like a house of cards. 

But if you’re asking me if I’ll see this movie, the answer is yeah, definitely. 

 Oh, and if you want to see a thorough thrashing of the series, check out the Nostalgia Critic’s review of it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEIjyU95MEU

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~ by fc13 on July 19, 2011.

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